Saturday, July 28, 2012

10 Laws of Boundaries

1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping
The basic law of cause and effect Galatians 6:7-8 “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked." People reap What they sow. Those who sow to please their sinful nature, from that nature will Reap destruction; those who sow to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap Eternal life. When God tells us that we will reap what we sow, he is not punishing us; He’s telling us how things really are. Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of their behavior enables them to Continue in irresponsible behavior. The doer is not experiencing consequences, the Rescuer is. Confrontations are not painful to the one receiving a boundary, only consequences are.
2. The Law of Responsibility
This Law includes loving others (John15:12; Galatians 5:13-14). We are to love one another, not be one another. “Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” Philippians 2:12-13. Being responsible to, rather than for, someone is not just giving to them, but it is also setting limits on other’s destructive and irresponsible behavior. Every time you rescue them from the consequences of their behavior, you are guaranteeing them that you will have to do it again. (Proverbs 19:19; 23:13). We are to give to needs and put limits on sin.
3. The Law of Power
You have the power to agree with the truth about your own problems. This called “confession” or “agreement”. Yes that is me. You have the power to submit your inability to God. You can ask for help! (I John 1:9; James 4:7-10; Matthew 5:3,6) You have the power to search and ask God and others to tell you what is with in your boundaries that you can manage, change or accept. You have the power to turn from the evil that you find within you. This is called repentance. This doesn’t mean you are perfect, it means you can see what you need to change. You have the power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs. Many arise from emptiness and you need to seek God and others to have those needs met. You have the power to seek out those that you have injured and make amends. Matthew 5:23-24, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." You do not have power over anything outside of your own boundaries. (Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference). You cannot change others, but you can influence them.
4. The Law of Respect
We fear others will not respect our boundaries. Sometimes we focus on others and lose clarity about ourselves. We judge other’s boundaries and feel they will do the same to us. If we judge their boundaries, we are setting ourselves up to be judged in the same way. This produces in us a fear cycle that makes us afraid to set healthy boundaries. (Matthew 7:1-2). Matthew 7:12, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” We need to love the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. We must treat theirs the way we want them to treat ours. If we love and respect other’s no, they will love and respect our no. This gives freedom to all. (2 Corinthians 3:17; James 1:25.) Our main concern is not: “Are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do?” It should always be: “Are they really making a free choice?”)
5. The Law of Motivation
Much of our doing for others is motivated by fear, not love. Not giving out of love, but out of fear of losing love. Fear of loss of love or abandonment. Say yes, and then resent the yes. Giving to get. Fear of other’s anger. Because of old hurts and poor boundaries, some people can’t stand for anyone to be mad at them. Fear of loneliness. If I give in to you, I will win, and then I won’t be lonely. Fear of losing the “good me” inside. “I love you and I do not want to do that.” Many think that to love means always having to say yes. Guilt. They feel guilty when they say no. Saying earns them goodness. Payback. Many feel burdened to pay for all they have been given. Approval. Many still feel like children and need to earn the “parental like” approval others. Over identification with the other’s loss. When we haven’t dealt well with our own losses and disappointments, we cannot deprive another. We feel their need’s too much or inappropriately. The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve out of fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on your fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to.
6. The Law of Evaluation
Hurt and Harm are different things. We must evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person. This does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. To have boundaries is to live with a purposeful life. Jesus calls this the narrow gate. The broad road (gate, or refusal to set boundaries), but results are always disastrous, they lead to destruction. Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires us to make decisions and have confrontations with others that may cause them pain. We cause pain when: we make choices they do not like and when we confront them when they are wrong. If we do not share our anger and disappointments with others, bitterness and hatred can set in. We must speak truthfully (Ephesians 4:24). We need confrontation to grow, if we are wise we will use admonition from another person to help us develop wisdom. Evaluate the pain our confrontation or truth telling causes other people. We need to see how this pain could be helpful to help the other person learn and grow.
7. The Law of Proactivity
Wrath and sinful passions direct reaction to the severity of the law (Romans 4:15; 5:20; 7:5) Wrath and disillusionment can be reactions to parental injustice (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21). Seen often as compliance for years, then pent-up rage explodes. Powerless, victim becomes emancipated from physical, sexual abuse; emotional blackmail, manipulation, etc. Must go through this reactive stage, time when a person throws off the victim identity. Should not get stuck there – Galatians 5:13, 15. Reactors are known by what they hate, what they don’t like, what they stand against and what they will not do. Proactivity is the stage of boundary setting when people begin establishing healthy boundaries. This is where they use the freedom they gained through reacting to love, enjoy and serve one another. Proactivity = people who show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. They do not demand rights, they live them. Power is not something you demand or deserve, it is what you express. The ultimate expression of power is love; it is the ability not to express power, but to restrain it. These people have mutual respect, are able to restrain own desires, they respond, they do not react. Do not try to get to freedom without the reactive stage. Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than this; the reactive stage is a stage, not an identity. Do not try to get to freedom without the reactive stage. Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than this; the reactive stage is a stage, not an identity. You need to practice and gain assertiveness, get away from abusive people, fence your own property and self against abusive people and then own the treasures of your own soul.
8. The Law of Envy
You want something but you don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight” James 4:2 Envy is the basest emotion that we have. It is Satan’s sin, and ours is the direct effect of the fall. Envy defines good as “what I do not have”, and hates the good it has. Envy keeps us perpetually insatiable and dissatisfied. It is okay to desire things that you do not have. God has said he will give us the desire of our hearts. Envy focuses outside of our boundaries. If we are focusing on what other’s have or have accomplished, we neglect our own responsibilities and ultimately will end up with an empty heart. “Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else.” Envy is a self-perpetuating cycle. Boundary less people feels empty and unfulfilled. They look at another’s sense of fullness and feel envious. You have not because you ask not, and do not work to make your desires a reality.
9. The Law of Activity
Many have boundary problems because they lack initiative – the God-given ability to push ourselves into life. Example: the parable of the talents, the active ones were successful and achieved, the passive, inactive one, lost out. Passivity never pays off. God will match our efforts, but will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries. He is not mean to people who are afraid, but he will not enable passivity. The sin that God rebukes is not trying and failing, but failing to try. Trying, failing, trying again is learning. God does not punish failure, but failing to try will have no good result; evil will triumph. God’s opinion of passivity is seen in Hebrews 10:38-39, “But my righteous one will live by faith; and if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him. But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.” Passivity is shrinking back and is intolerable to God. Our boundaries can only be created by our being active and aggressive, by our knocking, seeking, and asking (Matthew 7:7-8).
10. The Law of Exposure
Our boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship. Boundaries are really about relationship, and finally about love. We are beset by fear: of not being liked, of losing love, losing connection, losing approval, receiving anger, being known, etc. These are all failures in love, and God’s plan is that we learn how to love. These relational problems can only be solved in relationships. Secret boundaries don’t work- instead of honest communication, we get resentment. We withhold honest information from people who injure us through irresponsibility. Boundaries exist and affect us even if we don’t express them. If they are not communicated directly and exposed openly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation. “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ‘In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. (Ephesians 4:25-26) The biblical mandate is to be honest and in the light. Everything will eventually be exposed, so we are to be truth tellers. Fear makes us hide aspects of ourselves in the darkness. When our boundaries are in the light, that is, communicated openly, our personalities begin to integrate for the first time. They become visible in the light and then healing begins to take place. Psalm 51:6 “surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost places” God want real relationship with us and wants us to have real relationship with each other. Our boundaries need to be open; sin affects this, so we need to bring them into the light by communicating with God about them and allowing him to heal us. The path to healing – Communicate your boundaries openly!
Boundaries by Towsend & Cloud